No matter how many experiences I have in my life, I always seem to forget that everybody is struggling.  Logically I know, after almost 20 years of working as a therapist, that even the most put-together person has days where they are churning and burning like the rest of us.  But that doesn’t stop me from making the same false assumptions about “other people pulling it off better than I am” over and over again.

Here’s an example: I was at a conference recently, speaking with a friend who was doing a presentation with me.  We’ve both done this type of presentation dozens of times.  Still, every time I speak in front of a professional audience – or any audience for that matter – I always feel a little anxious.  I mentioned my anxiety to my friend and made a joke about how I must be the only person who still gets nervous doing presentations.

When I said this, she told me she had just had the exact same conversation with a group of our colleagues.  She was surprised to learn that everyone was nervous despite how put together they looked.  And I knew these people: They were really impressive.  They were people I looked up to, admired, and even felt a little jealous of.  I was blown away.

Comparing upward and downward

Studies show that I’m not the only one falling into this trap.  So-called “upward social comparison” is when you compare your life to others whose lives appear better, calmer or easier than yours.  This is in contrast to “downward social comparison,” which is comparing your life to someone really down on their luck.

Upward social comparison is sometimes really useful. It can give us information about what we want to be doing more of and serve as a motivator, like when you notice that your friend Joe is great at getting to the gym more frequently than you, and you try to be more like him.

As we’ve all experienced, however, there can be a downside to upward social comparison.  Think about the last time you checked out your favorite social media outlet.

Social media and social comparison

There is increasing concern about the impact of social media on our moods.  Social media posts often make everybody’s life look a bit more attractive than it is in reality.  When we look at these idealized posts and experience upward social comparison, the result is – big surprise – our own life seems not so great.

This doesn’t mean that we need to throw out all social media, although there are some people who find that to be the best option for them. Studies also show that not everybody viewing other people’s extra-fun-looking lives on social media experiences an increase in depression.  Rather, increased depression seems to be related to a number of factors, such as how many strangers the person is following and whether they are socially comparing while using social media.

People who are in an okay place emotionally, who are seeing social media posts from real friends (so presumably they know more about them than just the shiny, happy version), and those who do not engage in social comparisons experience less sadness following social media engagement.

This is great news, because it means that the triggers that cause this kind of suffering are things we have control over: not using social media when we’re down in the dumps, not following a lot of strangers, and not comparing lives.  That doesn’t mean that breaking the habit will be easy, but just like any other behavior that causes us worry, we can work to change it.

Here are some things we can do to disrupt the process of social comparison and its potential negative effects:

1. Set an intention. Be clear about what comparing yourself with other people does for or to you. If it’s something you want to change, set a clear intention for yourself to work on it.

2. Pay attention. Becoming aware of when we are socially comparing is very difficult – we tend to do it on autopilot and aren’t even aware when it’s happening.  Check in with yourself, particularly when you notice your mood take a turn or when you are using social media.

3. Be compassionate with yourself. Of course you compare yourself to others – that’s part of how we establish our sense of self and our place in the world.  We come by this behavior very honestly. Acknowledging that it’s natural and makes sense can sometimes make it easier to notice when it happens.

4. Let go of what you can. Grasping at an ideal, even when that ideal seems to be lived by everybody else, is likely to bring more pain in the long run.  Allow yourself to let go of whatever you can let go of – your judgments about your career, income, or lifestyle.  Focus instead on the things you actually can change – your productivity and sense of accomplishment, how you help people, and the way you connect with family, friends, and colleagues.  Shifting your perspective will enrich your life more than competing to keep up with how you perceive others’ lives.

The next time you find yourself on the short end of the social comparison stick, remember to be gentle with yourself – you are definitely not alone.

CONTACT US
If you want help letting go of comparing your insides to other people’s outsides, Lyra can connect you to a therapist. You can get started today if Lyra is offered by your employer. Sign up now.

And check in frequently here or follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter for more insights into optimal well-being.

DISCLAIMER
The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer Gregg, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor at San Jose State University and a clinical psychologist who researches, delivers, and trains acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and other evidence-based mindfulness interventions with difficult populations.  She is co-author of The Diabetes Lifestyle Book.

Imagine your child is throwing an epic tantrum in the grocery store. You’re in line at the checkout counter, and he or she is demanding candy. The person ahead of you is taking forever, and people are beginning to stare. See if you can make this scenario real in your mind.

Do you feel anxious? Angry? Are you thinking, “How do I make this stop?” Are you wondering what other people are thinking?

I want to share a simple practice for dealing with situations like this one that make parenting enormously stressful. This small but powerful practice will help you respond in a new way. It will also help you find meaning in the experience of parenthood, which you can use to guide your actions with your children. But first let’s talk about how we sometimes go wrong in situations like this.

Getting Loud, Giving Up, and Giving In

There are three common reactions parents have when our kids stress us out: Getting loud, giving up, and giving in.*

We’ve all raised our voices when we’re stressed. The other day I actually screamed at my son to stop screaming at his sister. I was doing exactly what I didn’t want him to be doing.

We’ve all given up. We get so exhausted, we stop using good parenting skills in a consistent way.

I once created a chart of all the things my kids needed to do in the morning. I tried it for three days, consistently checking in with them throughout the morning. Then I got tired; it seemed like a lot of work, and I quit. And – surprise! – they stopped being consistent with their morning routine.

And we’ve all given in. On a camping trip, my son had already had three s’mores and was asking for another – over and over again. I was getting really irritated! Finally, I gave in: I gave him the whole bag of marshmallows.

We could think of these not just as parenting strategies but also as emotional control strategies – ways in which we control our own thoughts and feelings. When we’re experiencing intense reactions, we can sometimes make ourselves feel better in the short term by getting loud, giving in, or giving up. For example: you yell, your child stops the behavior that’s irritating you, and you feel relieved.

But at what cost? In this example, you may be unintentionally teaching your child that yelling is a good way to get what you want. So what can you do instead?

Pause. Notice. Choose.

There are three simple skills you can use when you’re feeling intense reactions and struggling to find a response to your child that’s in line with your values:

1. Press pause
2. Notice what’s going on
3. Choose your response

Press Pause

Pausing means slowing down by focusing on the present. It’s different from operating on autopilot, just following where your reactions take you.

When you press pause, you create a space to switch out of autopilot and into awareness. From here you can choose your next action based on what’s important to you.

One way to press pause is to breathe. Even when things feel really out of control, there is almost always space to breathe. You can also give yourself a time-out. Try escaping to the bathroom, closing the door, and then breathing.

Notice What’s Going On

Noticing involves observing and describing. It can help you tune in to what’s going on in the moment.

Let’s imagine observing and describing a dog. First you notice its size, coloring, and characteristics. Then you might describe it by saying, “It’s a small dog with black spots, and its ears are floppy.” Just the facts, nothing more.

You can do the same thing with your thoughts and feelings, even in a moment of stress.

After you’ve taken a moment to pause, observe yourself and put words on your experience: “I’m noticing tension in my shoulders. My face is feeling flushed. I feel overwhelmed.” Then you’re free to choose a response.

Choose Your Response

You don’t get to choose what you spontaneously think or feel. Feelings just happen, like rain. But you can choose what you do. Will you let your thoughts and feelings push you around or will you choose how you want to behave?

The first step is to consider your values. Ask yourself what’s important to you as a parent, and set your intention accordingly. How do you want to be in a stressful moment?

For example, you might decide that being authentic, engaged, firm, responsive, and loving are important to you. These values provide direction for the action you take. You can be engaged and loving in many ways – even when you’re setting limits with your children or being “the bad guy.” I’m not suggesting that you pretend you don’t have feelings, that you’re not angry or frustrated. But you can choose how you act.

Pausing, noticing, and choosing in a moment of high stress

So let’s go back to your child in the grocery store, this time using our three skills: pause, notice, and choose.

Imagine yourself in this situation again. Your child is throwing an epic tantrum while you’re checking out. People are staring! You begin to feel strong emotions and have powerful thoughts.

You can press pause by slowing yourself down and taking a deep breath. After pausing, you can silently observe and describe what’s going on. You may notice the thought “I can’t stand this.” You may feel embarrassed, angry, or agitated.

You might also notice urges. You may feel like just letting your child have the candy. You may feel like yelling or giving up and walking away.

Next you can choose your response based on your values. Unless your child is running into the street, you can always take a few moments to pause and come up with what you want to do.

Let’s say that “calm, patient, centered, and understanding” are the values you want to embody. You get to decide what this looks like.

You may decide to calmly walk out of the store with your child.

Or it may be effective to just say nothing. Of course, you aren’t really doing nothing. You are holding it together and not reinforcing your child’s behavior.

There isn’t a best way to respond, and you don’t have to be perfect. This is a tough situation. In the end, your child may continue screaming or may calm down. You don’t always have control over that. But what you can control is what you do.

Of course you’re not always going to be able to pause, notice, choose your response, and act accordingly. Sometimes life is just messy and that’s OK.  When things don’t go right, you can be compassionate with yourself, as well as with your children. Even in imperfection, you can bring love and meaning to your relationship with your child.

CONTACT US
If you want help for you and your family, Lyra can connect you to a therapist. You can get started today if Lyra is offered by your employer. Sign up now.

And check in frequently here or follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter for more insights into optimal well-being.

DISCLAIMER
The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rebecca Aptekar, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in using acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and other evidence based therapies. At Lyra, she manages clinical programs, develops content for workshops, and conducts therapy for high-tech employees.

* This description of parent reactions comes from The Joy of Parenting by Lisa Coyne and Amy Murrell

Lately, I’ve been practicing saying “yes” to everything. Whatever comes my way, whether it’s painful or pleasant, I silently tell myself “yes.”

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about agreeing to every request for my time. Or doing things I’m not willing to do. What I’m talking about is learning to stop fighting what I can’t directly control, whether it’s a stressful situation or a painful emotion.

If my car breaks down – yes. If I get a new boss – yes. If I feel anxious giving a presentation – yes. If I feel angry at something I read online – yes.

In each of these moments, I silently tell myself yes. All of this is outside of my control, and it can all be there, just as it is. Nothing needs to change right this instant.

The Freedom of Yes

My friend Jim suggested this practice. Like me, he’s a psychotherapist, and we’re always looking for new ways to help people become more accepting, to let go of fighting what can’t be directly changed. There’s enough pain in life as it is. We don’t need to make it worse by needlessly struggling.

Jim stumbled onto the practice of saying yes recently when he was talking to a colleague he finds annoying. Usually, whenever he interacts with her, he becomes absorbed in his thoughts and emotions. He stews about how wrong she is about everything. He feels irritated and frustrated, and then he judges himself for having these reactions.

But the only person this stewing and judging hurts is him. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. So this time, he silently said the word “yes” to himself. He gave himself permission to be just as he was. He could have his internal reactions without having to change them, but he didn’t have to focus on them either.

Just as important, he silently gave his colleague permission to be just as she was. He didn’t need to devote any energy to ruminating on the difference between her behavior and what he thought her behavior should be.

From this perspective, his emotions had much less impact on him. They didn’t own him the way they usually did. And he could listen to her with an open mind rather than just dismissing her.

Saying Yes Even When It Hurts

I’ve been saying yes a lot lately. I have a 3 x 5 card taped to my computer monitor that says “Yes!” to remind me. But it’s not really a new practice for me. I have been cultivating the practice of acceptance in different ways for a long time. Here’s an example from my personal life.

After trying to have a child for many years, my wife and I discovered that we couldn’t. For reasons that are too complicated to explain here, we decided not to adopt. Though we never thought that our lives depended on having children, we definitely wanted a family. We’d always imagined having a large house with children bustling around underfoot.

My grief at not being able to have children wasn’t overwhelming, but it was persistent, even insistent. It popped up without warning. I would go through my whole day hearing people talk about their children, and I would feel very little about it. But then I’d see a little girl playing in a park, all dirty knees and wild hair, totally unaware of the way girls have historically been taught to act, and it would gut me. A heavy wave would swell in my chest. I would be momentarily paralyzed.

My wife would have similar experiences. We began to call this moment, when we suddenly felt tackled by grief, “the baby sad.”

The baby sad became a constant part of our vocabulary for a few years. In the evening, when we were talking about our day, my wife might say, “Oh, and then after work I had the baby sad when I saw this cute toddler reaching to pet a puppy from his stroller.” I’d know just what she meant.

Acknowledging the baby sad, asking each other about it – “Did all those kids at that party give you the baby sad?” – was our way of saying yes to the grief. We didn’t need to wallow in it, and we didn’t need to push it along so that we could be over it sooner. We just said yes to it whenever it showed up and let it be what it was. There was something about doing this together that made the pain easier to carry.

I’m writing about this in the past tense, as if the baby sad doesn’t show up anymore. But it does, not with so much frequency, but certainly from time to time. There’s nothing we can do about it – either our infertility or our feelings about it. We can just let it all be as it is with love and acceptance. We can say yes to it all. And doing so only adds to the richness of our life together.

Saying Yes Doesn’t Mean What It Sounds Like

Acceptance is an evocative word. It can imply resignation, giving up, or giving in to terrible circumstances. The practice of saying yes is not that kind of acceptance. It’s being willing to have what’s already there, whether inside of you or in the outside world.

Let’s say, like me, you tend to feel anxious on you first day back to work when you’ve been off for a while. You dread each email, imagining the flood of tasks that will come with every click. By saying yes, you allow the anxiety to be there just as long as it needs to be. And though it’s uncomfortable, it doesn’t have to stop you from getting things done. It’s not a dealbreaker. It’s just anxiety.

Saying yes can seem trickier with difficult life circumstances. Wherever you come from, whatever your perspective, it’s hard not to look at the world and conclude that something needs to change. Saying yes doesn’t take that away.

Instead, saying yes means acknowledging and accepting that this is the way things are for right now. Fighting about it in your head or complaining about it to everyone you meet doesn’t change it. When you invite the world to be as it is, at least for this moment, you are not approving of it. You are freeing yourself to put your energy where it belongs: into action.

That might mean working on changing the climate for underrepresented people in your workplace. Or spending more time with family members whose values are very different from yours. Whatever it is, saying yes to what you don’t like in the world, though counterintuitive, can be the motivator to get you going in your work and in your life. And, in truly desperate circumstances, it can be the motivator to escape an emotionally or physically damaging situation.

Saying yes doesn’t mean liking or wanting what’s there. It just means making room for it. And from that perspective, you might find more freedom to change what’s changeable and let go of what’s not.

CONTACT US
If you want help being more accepting of things you can change, Lyra can connect you to a therapist. You can get started today if Lyra is offered by your employer. Sign up now.

And check in frequently here or follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter for more insights into optimal well-being.

DISCLAIMER:
The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.