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Conflict in relationships isn’t enjoyable, but it’s important for growth and authenticity. Healthy relationship conflict is a sign of a strong and thriving connection. By learning to fight fair, we can improve our relationships and deepen our understanding of ourselves and those we love.
What is relationship conflict?
Conflict in relationships happens whenever you disagree about something. It’s especially tough when you feel attacked or criticized, but conflict is a normal part of any relationship. When it’s healthy, conflict can be good for a relationship. But unhealthy conflict in relationships can affect partners’ well-being, potentially contributing to health concerns like a weakened immune system, heart problems, obesity, high blood pressure, and depression.
Unhealthy vs. healthy conflict in relationships
Over four decades of relationship research by the Gottman Institute identifies four conflict styles in relationships—three healthy, and one unhealthy. The form of unhealthy conflict in relationships is hostile conflict, where disagreements escalate into heated arguments filled with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and personal attacks. This might involve bringing up past issues, blaming each other, and name-calling.
The three healthy conflict styles in relationships are:
Avoiding – Sidestepping certain disagreements, recognizing that not every issue needs to be resolved immediately or that some conflicts are trivial
Volatile – Having passionate and emotional discussions that are balanced with affection and humor, leading to couples conflict resolution without lingering resentment
Validating – Acknowledging each other’s perspectives and feelings and working together to find a solution, showing respect and empathy throughout the process
Healthy conflict allows couples to disagree while also understanding and respecting each other. This approach helps you navigate disagreements in a way that enhances connection rather than damaging it.
Causes of conflict in relationships
Conflicts can have many sources. What’s a big deal for one couple might not matter as much to another. Here are some common relationship conflict areas:
- Sex – A mismatch in sexual desire, frequency, or initiation, or the influence of pornography on sexual expectations and behaviors, can lead to feelings of rejection or a lower desire for physical closeness
- Finances – Different views on managing finances, spending, and financial responsibilities
- Parenting – Clashing opinions on discipline, education, values, parental roles, parenting techniques, extracurricular activities, and future planning
- Trust – Doubts about fidelity or intentions
- Living situation – Feeling annoyed by everyday habits or disagreeing how to split household chores and responsibilities
- Technology – Being on the phone or other devices during shared time and not fully present
- Communication – Insufficient or ineffective communication that can exacerbate small relationship conflicts
- In-laws – Interference from family in decisions, parenting styles, holidays and priorities. Boundaries are not respected by extended family.
- Time together – Misaligned expectations on together time versus alone time
How to resolve conflict in relationships
Research shows 69% of conflicts between couples are unsolvable, which means only 31% of relationship conflicts end in a resolution. At first, this number might seem shocking but these unsolvable conflicts usually center around aspects of the individuals within relationships, like personality traits, priorities, values, and beliefs. Resolvable conflicts consist of everyday types of topics including cleaning, spending, parenting styles, social activities, and personal habits. Conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, and learning how to handle conflict in a relationship well can make a big difference in keeping your connection strong. Here are some practical tips for resolving conflict in marriage and other relationships.
#1 Watch out for the four horsemen
Four toxic behaviors can be barriers to conflict resolution in relationships: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Here’s how to steer clear of them.
- Criticism – Instead of addressing tough issues out of the blue, use a gentle start-up. Say, “Can we plan a time to talk? I need to discuss something important.” Instead of blaming your partner, talk about how specific actions make you feel. Use “I” statements to express your emotions. “I feel hurt and ignored when you spend time on the phone during dinner.”
- Defensiveness – Try to own up to your part in the conflict, no matter how small. This helps to de-escalate a disagreement. “I apologize for bringing up the past and veering from the topic at hand.”
- Stonewalling – If you need a break from the argument, say so. Don’t just shut down or walk away without explaining. “I need to take a break so that I can calm down and think about how I want to respond. Can we come back and talk about this in 20 minutes?”
- Contempt – Avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, and name-calling. These behaviors show disrespect, a lack of empathy, and typically escalate conflict in relationships.
#2 Embrace acceptance
A large part of a healthy relationship is accepting that you can’t change your partner’s thoughts or opinions. Instead, focus on understanding and respecting their viewpoint. Accept your partner for who they are and explain how their behavior impacts you without trying to change them. For example, instead of trying to change your partner’s mind on a values issue, listen and try to understand their perspective. Calmly share how the differences make you feel and see if you can come to a respectful middleground on the issue at hand.
#3 Communicate clearly
Describe your experience clearly and directly without blaming your partner, and discuss one issue at a time. Jumping from one topic to another can make conflicts harder to resolve. “I feel disrespected when you show up to dinner late without letting me know you’re delayed.”
#4 Don’t “text fight”
Avoid arguing over text. Texting can easily lead to inflaming conflict in relationships because it’s missing important information from tone and body language. Research shows body language accounts for 55% of effective communication and tone accounts for 38%. Let your partner know you’d like to wait to speak about the issue in person.
#5 Actively listen
Really listen to your partner. Give them your full attention instead of thinking about how you’re going to respond. Repeat what you hear to make sure you understand. Try the “two-minute rule.” One person talks for two minutes while the other listens without interrupting, then the listener repeats what they heard to confirm they understand.
#6 Step away
When emotions run high, it’s hard to think clearly and stay calm. If things get too heated, agree to take a break. In most cases, the break should be at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours. During the break, do something that helps you relax like taking a walk, doing breathing exercises, or listening to calming music. Don’t spend the time planning your counter-attack.
#7 Stay curious
An important part of conflict resolution in relationships is asking questions to better understand your partner’s perspective. Open-ended questions promote understanding. Strive to make questions about half of your communication. “Can you tell me more about how you felt when that happened?” Asking questions shows you care about their feelings and can lead to better understanding.
#8 Set ground rules
Create relationship conflict rules when you’re both calm. These might include no name-calling, taking breaks when needed, and revisiting unresolved issues within a certain time. Clear rules prevent conflicts from escalating during arguments.
#9 Own your part
In most conflicts, both partners share some responsibility. Admitting your part can build goodwill and encourage your partner to do the same. Mutual accountability helps partners work with rather than against each other.
#10 Repair
Repairing a relationship involves taking actions to improve it after it’s been damaged, such as validating your partner’s experience and emotions, sincerely apologizing, and using gentle touch or humor to reconnect. By demonstrating understanding, asking what they need, and confirming that you’re both on the same team, you can rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Improve your relationship
Even the strongest relationships are tough at times. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Couples therapy can help you resolve conflicts and create a happier, healthier, stronger bond. It’s not just for crises; in fact, couples therapy helps you work through everyday challenges and learn healthier ways of managing conflict in relationships.
Learn how to resolve conflict in healthy ways
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