My brother Daniel died at age 47. He had been diagnosed with a blood-clotting disorder years earlier, and his life eventually ended due to complications from strokes. The years leading up to his death were challenging. He lost his vision, and his cognitive abilities continued to deteriorate over time – each new stroke stealing a little piece of his mind.
In the final three years of his life, Daniel needed a fair amount of assistance, and my husband and I cared for him for almost a year in our home. The fragility of life thus became a part of our daily routine. I was pushed up against the reality of the body’s slow demise and the question of not just Daniel’s death, but my own.
It’s times like these – encountering the loss of a loved one’s capabilities or a loved one’s death, aging of the body, trauma, dissatisfaction with yourself, or feeling unfulfilled in relationships – when we can fall into what’s defined as an existential crisis. For some, the passage of time itself is the harbinger for contemplating existence.
An existential crisis occurs when someone questions the meaning of their life. They feel unsure about the purpose or value of their own existence and perhaps human existence, too.
Existential crises open us up to the following possibilities:
1. Facing the reality of our own death. With this awareness, we begin to question our purpose for living. This kind of contemplation can lead to a real sense of loneliness and fear. People who experience an existential crisis can feel depressed or anxious. They may desperately seek ways to avoid death or aging. This experience is sometimes referred to as a midlife crisis – and is typified by fearful thoughts such as “I’m 50 years old…my life is more than halfway over.” Pop culture representations of the midlife crisis often include the purchase of a sports car, along with “youthful” clothing, dyed hair, Botox, or dating someone much younger. However, there are many ways in which people might express an existential crisis including feeling sad, fearful and alone.
2. The recognition that we have the responsibility to make ongoing purposeful choices in life. We live in a reality where we define our lives through our choices. If you’re experiencing an existential crisis, you can become “frozen,” avoiding this freedom, worried that you don’t know the right and meaningful path or that might make the wrong choice. The ironic part is that staying frozen due to fear, according to existential philosophy, is itself a choice that creates its own consequences and meaning.
The question is: What should you do when faced with an existential crisis?
Recognizing the inevitability of your own death can be both painful and anxiety-provoking, but also freeing. Becoming aware of your preoccupations with thoughts and emotions while letting go of the struggle to control these experiences opens the door to new possibilities. It gives you a way to cope with the knowledge of your own passing.
It’s important to keep in mind that emotions and thoughts – including those related to death – ebb and flow and are a part of life. Being mindful of your experience without being trapped by it opens up possibility. Accepting that you will die one day is vital to the discovery of meaning and purpose. Your personal work on this matters.
Instead of Asking Why, Ask How
While it may seem morbid, facing the reality of your own death has the power to activate a shift in life perspective. It can motivate efforts that involve taking responsibility and choosing to live well while you’re alive. Being aware of death can help spark full engagement in life, building meaning and purpose with the moments we do have. This awareness can shift the main question in life of “why” we live (existential crisis), to a process of engaging “how” we live (choice and responsibility).
Watching my brother as he deteriorated was both heartbreaking and strangely fascinating – not in a morbid way, but in a loving way. Daniel was on his journey, and as much as he could, he made his own choices. He chose to eat ice cream and drink Coke. He chose to sit in the sun. He chose to bathe everyday no matter what. He chose to spend time playing with the dogs. He chose to keep laughing, even when he was afraid. He chose to keep loving and sharing himself with others. He didn’t have it easy by any means. Since the strokes robbed him of his sight, he could do barely anything alone. With his mind slowly fading, he couldn’t always understand or speak. But he continued to choose. And when death finally came to his door, he let us know he was ready.
It’s important to recognize that living inside of responsibility and choice in the service of meaning takes effort. Discovering what matters most to you and then choosing to take steps every day that align with these values isn’t always easy. And building a life guided by purpose does not mean that you will be free of anxieties and fears. Life will always contain joy and pain. Choosing to create meaning by actively engaging or participating may involve moving forward with your fears “on board.” But life is there to be tasted. It’s full of vibrant colors, textures, and flavors. Whether you taste what life has to offer is up to you.
Finally, time moves on. The death of loved ones, aging, or milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries can bring each of us in contact with our own inevitable passing. When I think of the 47 years my brother lived, I think it all went too soon. We don’t know how much time we have, and so in contemplating our own end, I wish for each of us to begin to choose with a compassionate urgency. This shouldn’t be a frantic pressure, but a loving urgency that allows you to stay more connected to your values, rather than sinking into a stifling or life-disrupting crisis. This is at once a terrible and beautiful thing.
Recognizing death can bring fear and anxiety, but it can also spark creation and purpose. The Stoics of ancient Greece once said, “Contemplate death if you would learn how to live.” In contemplating our own end, we recognize that there is still time for life in whatever time is left.
When to Get Help
Many existential crises can be weathered without too much difficulty. Most of us will face this process. It’s normal to encounter anxiety about your personal meaning and the finality of existence, and you can expect explore your own existential issues from time to time. However, if you find that you’re stuck and your daily functioning becomes impaired or the angst seems intolerable, then it’s time to seek help from a mental health professional. They can assist you through the crisis.
CONTACT US
If you’re looking for additional support, Lyra can connect you to a behavioral health solution that is right for you. You can get started today if Lyra is offered by your employer.
And check in frequently here or follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter for more insights into optimal well-being.
DISCLAIMER
The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Robyn D. Walser, Ph.D. is co-author of Learning ACT: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Skills Training Manual for Therapists and The Mindful Couple: How Acceptance and Mindfulness Can Lead You to the Love You Want. She has also co-authored two additional books on ACT focused on trauma and spirituality. She currently serves as Co-Director of the Bay Area Trauma Recovery Center and Director of TL Consultation Services. She maintains an international training, consulting, and therapy practice.
The term “self-care” is ubiquitous these days. You probably know that you should do more of it more often. But, what exactly does that mean? Scheduling a regular massage? Taking up meditating? Shutting out the world (job, kids, responsibilities) and going on a retreat? With “self-care” so frequently used and vaguely defined, it can be difficult to achieve.
Let’s think of it this way: Self-care is the means by which you show up as your best self in the world. It is a powerful tool that not only nourishes you, but also those around you. Don’t let the “self” part confuse you; self-care can be the greatest service you give to loved ones, and can both ignite and inspire you while modeling empowerment to others.
According to an article published by the American Psychological Association (APA), “Self-care has been defined as providing adequate attention to one’s own physical and psychological wellness.” In other words, anything you do to sufficiently attend to your wellness is considered “self-care.” The word “adequate” is an important inclusion in the APA’s definition. The phrasing implies that not only is self-care about simply attending to your wellness, it also must be enough attention to address and maintain your health needs.
How self-care empowers you
You can consider physical and psychological wellness your empowerment tools. These tools need to be regularly and sufficiently cleaned and maintained if you’re to use them effectively. Think of a painter who must clean his brushes after each use so that the next image he creates is a true representation of his ideas. If the painter didn’t take care with his instruments or only cleaned them every 10th time he painted, the next time he went to paint, the bristles would be hardened and gunked together, making it nearly impossible to represent his vision on canvas accurately. He would need to clean his brushes, allowing them time to dry and refresh before he could use them to create his next masterpiece.
The same is true for you. When your physical and mental wellness is gunked up with built-up emotional and physical needs, it’s difficult to represent your true, best self and show up in the world as authentically, powerfully YOU. However, when you maintain yourself by getting proper rest, eating in a way that makes you feel strong and vibrant, immersing yourself in environments that enliven and enrich you, and finding ways to tune in and engage in activities that feed your spirit, it’s like cleaning away all the muck.
Imagine a week when you’ve hardly slept, eaten lots of junk food, had little fresh air or time in nature, and had such a hectic schedule that you barely had any time to yourself outside of brushing your teeth. What a depleting week! You can imagine how you would have nothing left to offer yourself, let alone others. On the other hand, if you attend to your physical and psychological hygiene needs (think sleep, nutrition, emotional awareness, and pleasant activities) each day, you’ll be nourished and ready to step into life’s challenges as your best, most empowered self.
Do you remember taking the SATs? The preparation instructions always included getting a good night’s sleep beforehand and eating a satisfying breakfast on the morning of the exam. Let’s think of life as your SAT: you want to show up as your most alert self, ready to take on whatever challenge is thrown your way.
The pitfalls of attending to others’ needs first
Oftentimes, we can get caught up in “taking care of others,” and use the spirit of service to focus on others’ perceived needs, disregarding our own. It turns out, taking care of others’ needs to the neglect of our own is actually a disservice — not only to you, but to them. Self-care can be the most effective way to care for someone else. When you show up in a relationship depleted, you don’t have your highest quality to give.
I have a friend who, by her own admission, is overly focused on meeting others’ needs and hardly regards her own. She works in the health care industry and throws herself into making sure everyone else is comfortable and tended to while she under-sleeps, overeats, and barely has time to exercise. The result? Although people notice her kind and giving spirit, I’ve also heard people complain that she’s inefficient — often taking a long time to get back to them or losing track of appointments. And her own health is poor enough that she frequently has to call out sick. Besides that, some people get aggravated when this friend takes over tasks they can do for themselves.
All of this outward focus leaves her depleted as she tries to give to others from an empty tank. Her lack of self-care causes her to make more errors, be less attentive and ultimately less available to those who would otherwise benefit from her support.
How self-care empowers others
Oftentimes, the most effective way for you to show up for those you care about is to arrive in the room, relationship, or conversation as your best self. This means you must take care of your own needs so you can be present and available to see others with clarity and read the situation accurately. Engaging in effective self-care gives you the clarity to see when someone really needs you to step in and fix something versus when they would benefit more from less hands-on support and encouragement.
Showing up as our best selves also means recognizing that we each have personal responsibility and believe in one another’s ability to assume that responsibility. Let’s take the example of raising a child. When the child goes into different developmental stages, they must struggle until they master the challenge so that they can grow.
If, for example, you see that your first-grader is struggling with spelling, how do you respond? Do you jump in and finish her homework to provide emotional relief? If the answer is “yes,” then you’ve just robbed her of not only advancing in spelling, but also the knowledge that she can do hard things and that you have complete confidence in her to figure it out. If, however, you provide support and encouragement (which means your self-care tank needs to be full), without intervening when she does not need help, she will build a sense of confidence and competency. Enter empowerment!
Marsha Linehan, the psychologist and author behind Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), labels this skill “building mastery.” When you over-care for others, especially in the absence of caring for yourself, you rob them of this mastery-building experience. Instead, try modeling abundant self-care and show those around you that you have the respect and confidence in them to do things for themselves. In other words, lead by example and empower others with your belief that they can do the same.
CONTACT US
If you’re looking for additional support , Lyra can connect you to a behavioral health solution that is right for your needs. You can get started today if Lyra is offered by your employer. Sign up now.
And check in frequently here or follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter for more insights into optimal well-being.
DISCLAIMER
The content of this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Amanda Gale-Bando, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist trained in evidence-based, scientifically grounded therapies and practices (DBT, CBT, and mindfulness) specifically designed to help with emotion dysregulation, shame, and self-criticism and help people shift from surviving to thriving.
Mental health issues are incredibly common. Unfortunately, so are the many barriers to accessing the quality care needed to effectively treat these conditions. When we set out to build the Lyra platform, we wanted to make the process of finding and choosing mental health care easier. And not just any care, but care that’s effective, personalized, and human.
The wide availability of data-driven, on-demand technologies today means you can call a ride, order groceries, and get personalized music recommendations in just a few clicks. Why not expect the same modern experience when seeking care for your mental health? At Lyra, we think you should.
Today, Lyra offers mental health services to more than 600,000 members with thousands of therapists and coaches nationwide to support them in-person and virtually. And that’s just scratching the surface. There are over 44 million American adults living with a mental health condition and about one in five don’t receive the care they need due to stigma and other obstacles. Technology will be a critical component in changing that reality and helping more people receive the care they need.
The Lyra Platform
At first glance, Lyra’s online platform simply connects patients and mental health care providers. Someone who needs support for their mental and emotional health can sign up, answer a few questions about what they’re experiencing, and receive personalized recommendations for high-quality providers nearby. Meanwhile, carefully vetted and selected Lyra therapists and mental health coaches receive steady referrals to clients whose needs match their expertise.
Behind the scenes, clinical insights and machine learning powers the platform, making recommendations based on patient symptoms, severity, preferences, location, and gender identity, combined with data on effective treatments for their specific needs and available providers near them. This real-time matching is akin to what Uber and Lyft do to connect riders and drivers, but with the added complexity of mental health conditions and treatments.
Getting Started: Make it Easy or Else
Research shows that stigma surrounding mental illness and the many friction points inherent to the U.S. health care system remain major barriers to accessing mental health care. Lyra’s anonymous and convenient online sign-up experience can help address both obstacles to ensure more people get the help they need. The online platform collects data from members about their symptoms, severity, and preferences and intelligently matches them to the right treatment options — from one-on-one work with a mental health coach or therapist to self-care apps and digital lessons.
Looking at extensive user research (and common sense), we know that everyone’s time is valuable – so ensuring that a provider is nearby and quickly available for new clients is critical to delivering a positive member experience. Lyra’s sophisticated algorithms enable real-time matching of patients and providers, evaluating availability and location so we only recommend providers who are close by and have appointments available within as little as two days. Book online, call or email, and you’ve taken a huge first step toward improving your mental health, all in just a few minutes.
A number of respondents to a recent Lyra member survey echoed the importance of a user-friendly platform in accessing care.
“Extreme ease of use has made all the difference in the world for whether we made it all the way through to seeing a therapist,” one member wrote. “When it comes to mental health, even really tiny obstacles can be enough to make us give up on seeking care.”
Another member noted, “It’s been so easy and intuitive thus far. I’m much more inclined to use my mental health benefits as a result.”
Personalized Care Navigation and Guidance
A high-quality network of available providers is an important foundation, but it’s still not enough to ensure optimal clinical outcomes. Little-known fact: there are hundreds of therapies practiced today. That’s far more than the singular brand of talk therapy popularized by movies and television (The Sopranos, Analyze This!, and Monk are just a few examples). Lyra only works with care providers who practice evidence-based therapies (the 20 percent of therapies that are proven to work).
Additionally, our data-driven technology helps members navigate the complexities of mental health care and intelligently matches them with the right options. At Lyra, we recognize that different evidence-based treatments are designed for different problem areas. For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to be a good fit for relieving anxiety and depression symptoms, while Motivational Interviewing (MI) is designed to help people with substance use disorders. We know that a one-size-fits-all approach or leaving members to navigate the complexity alone will result in subpar care, or no care at all.
App-based Messaging, Digital Exercises and Self-Care Tools
Does your company’s employee assistance program, or EAP, offer self-guided tools, resources, and one-to-one messaging with providers between therapy sessions? Some EAPs provide online content, but most isn’t particularly engaging, let alone evidence-based. Quality self-care options like those Lyra provides help enhance skill development between sessions with a care provider and are also ideal for people who want to tap into support anytime, anywhere.
Smarter, Data-driven Care with Measurable Outcomes
Lyra’s tech-enabled platform allows for more opportunities to collect data from each person seeking care. We can then leverage that information to gain insights that help improve our entire system in ways big and small. These insights help us gauge everything from provider quality and treatment effectiveness to appointment time preferences and the most common issues people seek help for.
With such invaluable information at our fingertips, Lyra can continually optimize our system to ensure that members receive effective care that helps them live their best lives.
CONTACT US
Want to learn more?
To learn more about how Lyra’s enhanced EAP enables access to personalized, top-tier mental health care, download our white paper on evaluating quality in mental health care or get in touch.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Curtis Howell is a senior product manager at Lyra. He works on technology designed for clients receiving mental health care from a Lyra provider.