How to Soar Past Setbacks

We can’t avoid challenges in life, but we can learn how to overcome obstacles and learn from them over time. Building resilience boosts your ability to use the right resources, adapt, and sustain your well-being following life-disrupting events, which helps improve your overall mental health.

Learn how to overcome setbacks and build resilience with a four-step approach called S.O.A.R. This technique will help you face hard times head-on and see obstacles as stepping stones to a stronger you.

• S – Self-compassion and acceptance 
• O – Optimism 
• A – Act wisely 
• R – Reach out for support

(S) Self-compassion and acceptance 

After a setback, it’s normal to experience feelings of guilt, anger, embarrassment, or sadness. Try meeting those feelings with acceptance and self-compassion by being kind to yourself while offering words of reassurance and comfort.

When encountering an emotional setback, one way to practice self-compassion is to treat yourself like you would a friend or loved one in your position. What would you say to them? It’s likely that your response would be more compassionate than judgmental. Try to offer yourself the same kindness.

(O) Optimism

The next way to practice resilience is by adjusting your perspective on the setback. Instead of dwelling on the negative, try shifting to a more optimistic or realistic outlook. This shift in perspective can help you cope with what’s happened and move on to what’s next. 

Consider the three P’s when thinking about how to overcome setbacks: 

• Permanence: Will this matter as much in the next two months? In a year?
• Pervasiveness: Does this affect my whole life or just one part? Who or what in my life reminds me of what’s going well and that my life is bigger than this moment? 
• Personalization: How can I try to prepare better next time for the things I can control while being careful not to take responsibility for things I can’t control?

(A) Act wisely

After meeting yourself with compassion and reflecting on what’s happened in a balanced way, it’s time to move on. This step is about finding a way forward that brings you closer to what you want and that aligns with your needs and values.

You can do this by tapping into your wise mind or finding the middle ground between your emotional and rational response. For example, the emotional mind might think, “I’m really going to lay into my boss for what he said in that meeting!” The rational mind might say, “I’m angry, but I’ve got to shut down and push through.” The wise mind, however, will meet you halfway and say, “I’ll explain to my boss how this situation affects me, without shutting down or being overly emotional.”

 (R) Reach out

Remember that support and resources are available after an emotional setback. Help others help you by advocating for yourself and asking for exactly what you need. 

Consider what type of support would be most helpful for you by asking yourself a few questions:

• What would help me feel better?
• What would help me understand better?
• What would help me take the next step?

For example, if you just need to vent, you can ask a friend for that specific type of help by saying something like: “Could we set aside an hour to talk? I don’t need advice right now, but I do need someone to listen.”

Next time you encounter a setback, remember that these moments will pass and that every setback is an opportunity to grow and learn.