Rewriting Feeling Rules: A New Era for Men’s Mental Health

Society often gives men strict rules on handling emotions. Phrases like, “man up” and, “be a man” suggest that men shouldn’t struggle emotionally. But in reality, everyone faces difficult emotions, regardless of gender.

Men and women experience mental health challenges at similar rates, yet men are far less likely to seek help. This is concerning because men in the U.S. are four times more likely than women to die by suicide. Talking openly about men’s mental health and challenging outdated ideas about masculinity can reduce stress and build resilience.

Obstacles to men’s mental well-being

Men often hesitate to seek help due to society’s expectations. We’re told to be “tough,” handle things alone, and suppress emotions. So, instead of showing painful emotions, we might deal with distress through actions society deems more “manly” like:

• Isolating from loved ones
• Expressing anger or irritability
• Spending too much time on work or hobbies
• Using alcohol or other substances
• Doing risky things, like driving recklessly

These behaviors can be signs of emotional distress, but we may not recognize them as such. Even when we do, the stigma around asking for help often stops us from reaching out. Challenging outdated ideas about masculinity, like “real men don’t need help,” can help us combat stigma and overcome obstacles to well-being.

Decoding outdated “feeling rules” for men

Feeling rules tell us which emotions are OK to feel and how strongly we should feel them. Society’s feeling rules for men are based on outdated ideas about masculinity, and they can have unwanted impacts. These rules suggest:

• Only rely on yourself. Outdated idea: Men should handle challenges on their own.

  Impact: Relying only on ourselves can lead to isolation and prolonged distress.

• Be tough and strong. Outdated idea: Men should show toughness and competitiveness. Being stubborn and showing some anger is OK.

  Impact: Excessive toughness can isolate us and increase pressure on ourselves and others.

• Don’t be vulnerable.Outdated idea: Men shouldn’t show emotions that society deems “weak” or “feminine” like sadness, fear, and other vulnerable feelings.

  Impact: Hiding our emotions can lead to burnout, stress, and strained relationships.

• Control your emotions.Outdated idea: Men should hold back emotions like sadness, significant anger, and even joy.

  Impact: Consistently holding back emotions can lead to chronic stress and prolonged pain.

Breaking the mold: new rules for emotional strength

Thankfully, views on masculinity are evolving. It’s time to adopt new feeling rules that promote emotional strength:

• Feel all emotions. It’s healthy to experience the full range of emotions.
• Communicate effectively. Sharing feelings constructively is key to personal and professional success.
• Vulnerability is strength. Opening up when you’re hurting takes courage and fosters stronger relationships and mental health.
• Asking for support is wise. Seeking help during tough times is vital for your well-being and that of your family. No one can do it alone.

The emotional courage challenge

New rules require new skills. Developing new emotional skills can boost self-confidence, deepen relationships, and build resilience. Here’s how to start:

• Check in with your feelings. Close your eyes, ask yourself what you’re feeling, name the feeling, and notice where you feel it in your body. For example, “Sadness. I feel it in my chest.” This meditation offers more guidance.
• Use effective communication. Learn to set limits, fight fairly, handle difficult conversations, and cool down from anger.
• Open up to people you trust. Start by sharing one feeling you’ve had recently. For example, “I’ve been feeling worried lately.” 
• Ask for support. Reach out to someone you trust and tell them what might help. For example, “I’m stressed about work. Got any advice?” Mental health providers can also offer support for life’s challenges.

Take charge of your mental health with Lyra

Asking for help requires strength, courage, and wisdom. Lyra’s coaches and therapists can support you in lowering stress, improving your relationships, and finding fulfillment. Remember, the most important challenges are often best tackled with teamwork.